TESTING THE WATERS

by Southy

© June 2005

“Do you want to get fucked or not?”

Blair quivered at the crass words.

He was bent over the dining table, completely naked, confused as to how he’d lost control of this situation. He’d been practicing with inanimate objects for weeks, in preparation for offering himself to Jim. Finally, he’d gotten the courage to follow through with his plans. Only, his intentions to be the one in control had unraveled.

What bothered Blair most was that he couldn’t define the exact moment when Jim had taken charge.

In answer to Jim’s breathless question, Blair spread his legs wider.

How would Jim feel, compared to his practice instruments? He was about to find out.

Stay loose, stay relaxed, he chanted to himself. It had taken a while before he’d even been able to work a small dildo inside himself. Larger objects had been more of a challenge. But he’d managed. Eventually.

Flesh touched him, and Blair started, despite his intentions.

The flesh stroked him, and he realized it was a finger at the seam of his pouch.

“I don’t think you really want it,” Jim taunted.

Blair’s heart pounded as he writhed until Jim’s finger found the depression, near his opening. I want it.

They needed lube. He wanted to tell Jim that the lube was in the pocket of his abandoned jeans, but he couldn’t wet his throat well enough to speak.

Surely, Jim wouldn’t try it without lube.

His heart pounded faster.

The digit pressed against him, then hovered without achieving penetration.

Jim’s other hand came around his chest, settled over his heart. “Tell me you want it.”

“I-I,” Blair tried to lubricate his mouth.

The hand pressed more firmly against his chest. “Tell me you want it!”

Like this? Jim sounding angry?

Both hands pushed at him in disgust, so that he slumped over the table. “You don’t want it. Get dressed.”

There was nothing more he could do. The moment – all his plans, all his preparation – was ruined.

He was lower than pond scum.

Blair couldn’t remember where he’d left his clothes when he’d stripped provocatively, once certain he had Jim’s attention. He staggered to his darkened bedroom and stumbled to his knees. Then he curled against the wall, arms around his legs, and rested his forehead against them.

He wanted to disappear. Or die.

In the kitchen, there was the sound of the refrigerator opening. Of hands desperately clawing through the tray of ice.

He’s the one who had put Jim in such a tormented condition that he now sought such a crass substitution for release.

Blair had wanted to give him such blessed, warm and loving release.

He was aware of the rough nap of the rug against his bare skin.

More movement from the kitchen.

Jim’s shadow appeared in the doorway.

Blair made himself look up, prepared to take whatever sentence Jim wanted to carry out. Jim was dressed in boxers, his expression heavy with disapproval.

Blair was grateful to find his voice, however shaky. “I don’t want this to be the end of us.”

Jim snorted. “You didn’t consider that ahead of time?”

“I didn’t know you were experienced.” It was a lame defense.

An even harsher snort. “I’m not.”

Huh? Blair stared at Jim, wondering how a male-sex virgin could have taken charge like that.

“You’re so damned transparent,” Jim said, the disgust present once again. “You don’t think I saw your manipulation the minute you laid a hand on me? It was so easy to see what you were thinking, what you intended.” He blew out a harsh breath. “The thing is, I could almost feel sympathy for you, except that you had to be so damned insulting and think you could trap me like that.”

Blair slowly shook his head. “It wasn’t like that. I wanted... wanted,” he swallowed thickly, “I wanted to pleasure you. Give you the pleasure a sentinel is capable of feeling. That way, I thought you’d always come to me for it.” Blair abruptly closed his mouth, as he realized his actions had indeed been manipulative – in the worst possible way.

Jim folded his arms, his voice softening with his own confidence. “It always comes back to the sentinel stuff with you, doesn’t it?”

If he could focus on facts, Blair could survive his humiliation from one minute to the next. “I knew you wouldn’t be attracted to me. But I thought – I thought that you could look past my physical form if I could make it good for you.” He didn’t try to stop his eyes from watering. “I love you so much, Jim. I didn’t want you to keep having all those one-night stands with all those women who didn’t care about you, who don’t know what you are.” He choked out, “I wanted to be that for you.”

Jim closed his eyes and leaned his arm against the doorframe. He drew a couple of calming breaths. Then, without looking at Blair, he said, “Can’t you hear how pathetic you are?”

Blair didn’t know what to say, what kind of answer Jim wanted.

Jim lowered his arm and looked at him. “You don’t, do you? The idea of coming on to me – without manipulation – with any kind of tenderness, is a foreign concept to you, isn’t it?” He shook his head. “And you think of yourself as Mr. Touchy-Feely. Mr. Warmth. Mr. Understanding. You’re not even capable of giving of yourself intimately, without lying and using, are you?”

That hurt. More than anything Jim had said tonight. 

Maybe it was even true.

“I-I don’t know,” Blair stammered. He couldn’t take any more and bowed his head. “Please leave.”

“Gladly.” Jim turned away.

But a moment later he was back. He threw Blair’s clothes toward him. The shirt, his underwear.

“What’s this?” Jim said.

Blair glanced up through the corner of his eye. Jim was holding the tube of lubricant in one hand, Blair’s jeans in the other.

“Are you a virgin?” Jim asked, tossing the jeans more gently.

Blair wasn’t sure what that had to do with lubricant – which would have been necessary in any case – but he dutifully answered, “Yes.”

Jim laid the tube on a nearby bookcase. “Wish I could have enjoyed being flattered that you wanted me to be your first.” He disappeared through the doorway. “Loving and tender and careful.” His retreating voice hardened. “But you didn’t want it like that.” A moment passed, and then he stuck his head back through the doorway. “You were much more comfortable playing, ‘Let’s arouse the sentinel so he can’t help himself.’” Jim looked right at him. “How convenient. Then you wouldn’t be responsible for what happened, would you?”

Blair leapt to his feet. “STOP IT!” His fists were clenched. “I know I fucked up! Do whatever you have to do – hit me, throw me out on the street, never talk to me again. But don’t you dare, dare put yourself down to my level.” His eyes watered again as he gasped, “Isn’t one of us behaving like that enough?”

He turned around and put both hands against the wall, letting them take his weight, as he rubbed his face against his shoulder. He was suddenly aware that he was naked and in a vulnerable position to Jim. 

Hurt me. It was what he deserved.

“Chief.”

Blair started. Jim’s voice had been soft, gentle. A trap?

Something against his shoulders. A blanket.

“Here. Take this.”

Blair pulled it around his shoulders while still facing the wall.

Jim continued to wrap it around him until Blair felt like a mummy.

Jim’s hand rested on his now-blanketed shoulder. “You don’t trust tenderness, do you?”

It was merely a request for information.

Did he trust tenderness? Should he?

“You don’t even know what I’m talking about, do you?”

Why did Jim have to sound so condescending?

Both hands were on his shoulders now. “Is it because you’ve never had it?”

Go ahead. Break me. It seemed to be what Jim wanted.

“You’d rather me throw you to the floor and fuck you, wouldn’t you?” Jim’s voice sounded sad. “You’d rather have that than have me go easy with you. Love you gently and tenderly.”

Blair’s eyes watered at he stared at the seam between the wall and the floor.

“I’m a romantic guy, Sandburg. I’m surprised you didn’t consider that in all your careful calculations.” Pause. “Or is it only because you knew you couldn’t handle it?”

Jim took Blair’s hair and pulled it out from where it was trapped in the back of the blanket. “I can’t give you that.”

“Stop teasing me,” Blair pleaded in a whisper.

The hands left him.

Silence.

Then Jim said, “I wasn’t teasing. I’m just trying to figure you out, Chief. Do you blame me?”

The nickname was his undoing. Blair shook his head.

“You’re suspicious of me right now, aren’t you? You don’t know if you can trust me because I’m trying not to be angry, and I feel sympathetic and want to understand you.” Pause. “You’d feel better if I hit you. Or pinned you down and fucked you. That’s something you would understand, isn’t it?”

Blair nodded.

Arms came around him. “I’m not going to do that,” Jim whispered in his ear. “No matter how badly you want it, I’m not going to do it.”

“Let me go.” 

Jim dropped his arms, releasing Blair.

Come back.

“You like this better?” Jim asked doubtfully. “No contact at all?”

“I want to run away,” Blair whispered.

Jim released a long, heavy sigh. “That’s honest, at least. Now we’re getting somewhere.” Then, “Would you like to sit down?”

Blair nodded. Hold me.

“Where? On the bed?”

Blair hesitated. “Hold me.” He could hardly hear his own voice.

Jim’s mouth was near his ear. “What?” He seemed genuinely puzzled. Then, “One minute ‘let go’, then next ‘hold me’? Which is it, Sandburg? I mean it. I’m trying to give you what you want but you aren’t making it easy.”

“Don’t hate me.”

Jim’s hand was back on his shoulder. “I don’t hate you. I care about you too much to hate you. I can see that you’re sorry about all this. My pride’s still stinging that you actually thought you could manipulate me – that you wanted to, when it wasn’t even necessary – but I’ll get over it.”

It wasn’t necessary. All his carefully laid plans hadn’t been necessary at all. If he had approached Jim with love, instead of with sex....

Blair bowed his head. Jim was right. He wouldn’t have even known how to do that.

Jim loosely put an arm around him. “This way.”

Blair allowed Jim to guide him out of the bedroom, and into the lighted living room. As he took awkward strides within the confines of the blanket, he tried not to look at the dining table.

“Down you go,” Jim said softly, prompting Blair to sit on the couch.

Blair did. He still couldn’t look up.

Jim spent a moment dressing. Then he knelt before Blair. “Do you really think it’s never crossed my mind before?” he asked quietly.

Blair looked up and met Jim’s blue orbs. 

“It makes it own kind of sense,” Jim continued. “The idea of being with you... it’s a comforting thought. You know all about the senses. I wouldn’t have to hold anything back.”

Yes. That’s what Blair had wanted so much for Jim.

Jim glanced away bashfully. “Occasionally, I’d let myself think about it, imagine what it would be like. I just couldn’t get past the idea of thinking there’s no way you could want me.”

Blair withheld a gasp of surprise.

“As for me wanting you,” Jim met his eyes briefly, then presented a shy smile, “I admit you aren’t exactly the perfect package, but,” he shrugged, “you’re not an altogether unpleasant thought.” His eyes raked over Blair.

“I’ve ruined everything,” Blair said. He looked away. “I had no idea.”

Jim sat next to him on the couch – so close that they were touching.

Then he put his arm around Blair. “I almost went through with it, Chief, I was so aroused. I could have hurt you.”

Blair shook his head. “I don’t think so. I was ready for you. I’d been practicing with... you know.” Jim looked like he wanted to roll his eyes, and Blair felt himself relax at the familiar gesture. “All we needed was the lube. I think I would have handled it okay.”

Jim’s fingers massaged Blair’s far shoulder. “You couldn’t start with something simple, could you, Chief? You had to go right for the main event.”

Blair swallowed and stared at the floor. “I wanted to please you.” With dread, he made himself look up at Jim. “What happens now?”

Jim removed his arm and rubbed at his face. “I guess we can’t go back and pretend tonight never happened.”

“I would try, if that’s what you want.”

“Let’s just take things one step at a time. Slow, Sandburg. Slow and easy.”

Blair couldn’t believe the respite he was being granted. He turned to put his arms around Jim’s neck. “I’m so, so sorry.”

Arms went around him, holding him close. “Yeah, well, I said some pretty harsh things. So, we’re even. How about agreeing not to revisit that and just start over?”

Blair nodded eagerly. But his heart pounded as he rested his cheek against Jim’s shoulder. “I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Jim, man, if you’re intending to pull a ‘ha, ha’ on me down the line to get back at me, please do it now. I don’t think I could survive it if you’re just toying with me.”

Jim’s reply was serious as his arms tightened around Blair’s back. “Where the hell did you learn about sex and love, Chief? How could you even think I’d pull something like that?”

Blair settled back on the sofa and looked at him. “Because I know I deserve it.”

Jim scoffed, “I can’t imagine us proceeding any further without having some understanding of what’s going on with you.”

Blair couldn’t even fool himself into believing he didn’t know the answer to Jim’s questions. He sighed heavily, then confessed, “I learned about sex from my mom. I saw how she used it to get what she wanted from men. Sometimes, the men would see what she was up to and they didn’t appreciate it.” He looked away, mentally cringing at the memories. “A few of them roughed her up. When I was fourteen, one of them went after me when I tried to defend her. I got a couple of black eyes and lost a tooth.”

Jim rested his head against the top of the sofa. “So, sex equals manipulation, which means sometimes you get the shit beat out of you in retaliation.”

“Something like that.”

Jim nodded thoughtfully. Then, with mock casualness, “A minor dysfunction. I’m sure it won’t give us any problems.”

Blair snorted. “As opposed to yourself, who has a history of such intimate, romantic, long-term relationships?”

Jim grimaced. “All right, you’ve made your point.” Then, “All the more reason for us to take it slowly.”

Blair grinned. It felt good. “I love you, man.” He leaned forward to kiss Jim on the cheek. Then his eyes watered. “Thanks for not hating me.”

“We’re all done with that subject, remember?”

Blair gazed at him, realizing all over again how in love he was. “Thanks again anyway.”

Jim’s arm was back around him and he tugged so that Blair rested his weight against Jim’s side. “Chief? Will you let me be in charge of the tempo, for the sex?”

Blair let the words sink in. If Jim was in charge when they were ready to move to the next step, of what they did when, perhaps of even how they went about it....

He closed his eyes. What bliss that would be, to not have to be responsible, to not have to worry about messing everything up. “Yes.”

“If you change your mind at any point, just say so. I don’t mean it like telling you what to do. I just thought....”

“It’s okay, Jim. I’d like that.” His eyes were watery again. This honesty felt good.

Had he really had so little of it in his life? That he was prone to manipulating others?

Jim was going to show him a new way -- with love.

Blair had no idea what that would be like. 

He couldn’t wait for Jim to begin.


FINIS

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