PATHS THAT WIND
PART TWO
Blair had been silent all the way home, respecting Jim’s mood.
It was difficult to pin down his own feelings, since he was so aware of Jim.
He’d remained hopeful, throughout the four months of recovery, that the verdict would go in Jim’s favor, that he could still have the life he’d once had.
Now, the official word “disabled” had come from the doctors, via the commissioner.
Jim could never return to police work. His body wasn’t the same.
On the surface, he seemed the same Jim, save for the way he cringed when he moved a certain way, or took a deep breath.
Blair had been by his side all along, certain that Jim could obtain anything he wanted. And he had wanted to go back. At least, that’s what Blair had assumed, though Jim hadn’t verbalized it very strongly. He’d made all the effort and done all the physical therapy, doing everything that was needed to reach a destination marked “recovered”.
The ride up the elevator was silent. Blair stole a glance at Jim from beneath his lowered gaze and saw the grim, contemplative expression.
The doors opened and they stepped into the hall. Blair slowed his stride. “Look, if you need some time alone, I can take a walk.”
Jim hesitated as he reached for the door with his key. Then he said, “That’s not necessary” and opened the door.
They stepped inside and hung up their jackets.
“Chief,” Jim said, still hesitant. He met Blair’s eye. “It’s not like this is a complete surprise.”
“But you’ve worked so hard.”
“Yeah.” Jim sat on the sofa, leaning forward. “It wasn’t enough.” He looked up at Blair. “I know I’m not the same, physically. I can feel it.” He shook his head. “If I were ever responsible for getting someone hurt – getting you hurt – because I couldn’t do my job….” Finally, he said, “They made the right decision.”
Blair sat in the easy chair. All right, he was relieved. It was okay to admit that now. He was also relieved that Jim seemed so accepting.
He had to admit, Jim had limitations now. He’d never allowed himself that acknowledgment before.
He owed Jim his own thoughts. “I can’t say I’m sorry that you’re no longer in harm’s way.”
Jim released a brief snort. “Every time I cross the street, I’m in harm’s way.”
Blair managed a smile. Then he released a heavy breath, letting himself relax, and asked, “Since you aren’t surprised, does that mean you’ve given some thought to what you want to do instead?”
Jim tilted his head thoughtfully.
There was a knock at the door.
Jim shrugged in puzzlement, so Blair went to the door and opened it.
Jim’s father stood there. “William,” Blair said, stepping back. “Please, come in.”
Jim stood. “Dad. What are you doing here?”
The senior Ellison started to remove his coat and Blair held out his hands to take it.
“I heard, Jimmy. They won’t let you come back to active duty.”
As Blair hung up the coat, he wondered how William had known that. Probably via contacts at the Mayor’s office. “Can I get you anything?” he asked as their visitor sat down.
“No, I’m fine.” William hesitated and then said, “Maybe you can excuse us.”
Oh. This was a private conversation. Blair reached for his own jacket. “Sure.”
Jim held up a hand. “No, Dad. Blair’s been with me through all this – and everything before this. He can be a part of anything having to do with me.”
Blair waited, his hand on the jacket.
“All right then,” the senior Ellison relented, glancing at Blair apologetically. “It wasn’t that private, anyway. I just thought Jimmy might want some time to consider what I have to say.”
Feeling self-conscious, Blair went over to the sofa and sat next to Jim.
William leaned forward in the chair. “Look, Jimmy, since you can’t go back to police work, it’s time for you to take your rightful place at Ellison Enterprises.”
Jim looked away. “Dad – ”
“No, hear me out,” William said with a raised hand.
Jim fell silent.
“I know you don’t think you’d like the business world. But you have to at least give it a chance. It’s more than just sitting behind a desk, wearing a suit. There’s traveling to different places, interacting with different businesses, the thrill of closing a deal, the satisfaction that you’re making the world a better place with a product you’ve supported, to say nothing of donating part of your profits to charity….”
Blair found himself wondering if Ellison Enterprises really did that. Or, if it did, had always done so.
“I know you don’t think you know how to be a businessman, but my right-hand associate, Paul Hagar, can be your mentor. He can handle all the difficult stuff while you get your feet wet.” He licked his lips. “You’ll be carrying on the business started by your great-grandfather. It’ll be something useful for you to do with your life now.”
Blair inwardly cringed. That’s all Jim needed – to feel worthless because he’d been labeled “disabled”.
Jim sighed. “Dad, I appreciate the offer. Really, I do. But it just isn’t a good idea.”
“What are you intending to do instead?”
“I-I don’t know. Blair and I will have to discuss that. We just got the news today.” There was an edge in his voice, as though to show he didn’t appreciate that his father had apparently heard the news first.
William looked at Blair, then back to Jim. “I thought Blair’s dissertation was all about your police work. Surely, now – ”
Blair drew a careful breath. He had his own news he’d wanted to discuss with Jim. It hadn’t seemed right to bring it up on a day when Jim learned that he no longer had a career. Now, he wondered if he was going to have a chance to talk to Jim about it alone first.
Jim interrupted his father. “The partnership between Blair and I is about more than his dissertation.” He glanced away. “You know why.”
Blair withstood another round of scrutiny from the elder man. He could imagine what William was thinking: My son has to be stuck with this liberal college kid for the rest of his life?
Blair took another breath and decided that he didn’t want this discussion to grow heated when both Ellisons were missing a critical piece of information.
“Look,” Blair said, rubbing his sweating hand against his jeans, “there’s something the two of you don’t know.” He glanced at Jim in apology. “I haven’t even had a chance to tell Jim yet.”
Jim regarded him with puzzlement.
“What is it?” the older man prompted.
“While Jim’s been recovering, I’ve been working on my thesis. A-a different thesis,” he quickly assured. “About the similarities between police departments and tribal cultures. I defended it last week. It’s been approved.” He paused, noting both men were still waiting for a bottom line. “That means I’m now Doctor Blair Sandburg. My paper is being published in the anthropology department’s next journal. I’m all done.” He was all too aware of how anti-climatic it sounded.
Jim rubbed his face wearily but his surprise still showed. “That’s great, Chief.”
Blair knew Jim would be more enthusiastic if his father wasn’t present.
“Congratulations, Blair.” William’s attention shifted to Jim. “You see, Jimmy? Blair doesn’t need to be involved in your decision to work at the firm. He can have his own life now. He’s earned it.”
Blair shifted on the couch. “Wait a minute. I wasn’t planning on taking off.” He was looking back and forth between the two Ellisons, wishing all the more that he and Jim could have had this conversation in private. “I was waiting to see if and when Jim would be able to go back to work for the PD, and then decide where I fit in from there. I was planning to talk to Jim about it, once we knew his situation.” He was again looking at Jim in apology.
“Surely, you’ve taught Jim what he needs to know to manage his… gift.” William struggled with the word. “Jimmy, you can function on your own. I know you can. Give yourself a chance to see what you’re really made of.”
Blair knew Jim’s father couldn’t possibly mean his words as an insult, but still, that’s how they felt, even to Blair. As if Jim having survived Peru wasn’t enough to ‘see what he was made of’….
Jim stood. “Dad, thanks for stopping by. But Blair and I obviously have a lot to talk about. Don’t get your hopes up about me working at the firm.” He moved toward the door.
William stood but paused in front of Jim. “Please, Jimmy, think about it. What else are you going to do? This is a chance to be a real part of the family enterprise again. I’ve almost got Steven talked into working there too. I think you’d like it more than you think.” He glanced at Blair. “We could even get Blair a position, if you want.”
How nice to be thrown a bone, Blair thought wryly.
A moment later, William was gone.
Jim slowly locked the door. He barely glanced at Blair, and then turned toward the kitchen. “So, you’re a doctor, huh?”
Blair got up and moved toward him. “I didn’t want to tell you like that. Once I got word last week that my dissertation had been accepted, I just didn’t feel right about focusing attention on me, when we were just wanting to get you back working at the PD.”
Jim stood before the stove, a soft smile lighting his face. “Congratulations. I mean that, Chief. I know you’ve worked really hard for this.” He shrugged. “I had no idea you had decided to write about something else. I guess it makes sense though.”
“What do you mean?” Blair demanded, though he knew.
“It’s not a very glorious ending for your thesis that its main subject ended up crippled.”
“That’s not the way it happened.” Blair planted himself back against the kitchen island, so Jim would have to meet his eye. “I’ve had a parallel thesis going, almost since the beginning. That’s why I was able to finish it so fast, after I decided for sure I was going to switch topics.” He swallowed, feeling emotion well up. “The closer we became as friends, the harder it was for me to write about you as a scientific subject.” He lowered his gaze, “When it got down to it, I realized I really didn’t want to. Then you got shot…” He shrugged. “Yes, I guess that had something to do with finalizing my decision. But I was headed there all along.” He looked at Jim fully.
Jim relaxed and also leaned on the kitchen island, next to Blair. “You know, I’ve never exactly been happy about having these senses.”
“I know.”
“But now that I can’t use them as a police officer,” he shifted his feet, “it bothers me that they’re going to be wasted.”
“They aren’t going to be wasted,” Blair said firmly. “That’s what we need to talk about. Sentinels were helpful to their tribes without being law enforcers. It’s in your nature to help people. We just have to figure out another way to do it.”
“We?” Jim challenged, but amusement colored his tone.
“I was waiting for the word to come that you could have your job back, not just for you – but because I needed to see where I could fit in. Especially now that I have my doctorate.” He straightened, making sure he met Jim’s eye. “I’ve been hoping all along that we could keep our partnership, in some form or other.”
Jim draped his arm across Blair’s shoulders. “We can keep it.” Then, amused again, “We can even work together at my father’s firm.”
Blair snorted. “Yeah, right.” But he really didn’t like laughing at the expense of Jim’s father. “It’s kind of sad, though, that he wants you to work there so bad.”
Jim straightened. “He’s going to have to get used to it.” He regarded Blair a long moment. “So, was there some kind of ceremony or something at the school?”
“Nah. It’s all actually very casual. I defended my dissertation, the committee has a discussion amongst themselves, and then they tell me that they’ve approved it. That’s all there is to it. If I want, I can participate in the formal graduation ceremony they have next December. But I doubt I’ll want to. I’m just glad to be done.”
Arm still around Blair, Jim guided him back to the living room. “So, now we both can sit at home and watch the air circulate.”
They took separate chairs. Blair said, “You’ve never dreamed about any kind of ideal life after the police force?”
“I’m more a live-in-the-present kind of guy.”
“You’re also a realist. Being realistic means considering the future.”
“I guess I was always too busy with the present to think much about the future.”
Blair rested his head back against the sofa cushion. “Now we’ve both got plenty of time to think about the future.”
Abruptly, Jim was on his feet. “We’re going to dinner to celebrate you becoming Dr. Blair Sandburg. My treat.”
Two hours later, they sat on a park bench in the dark.
Blair’s head was tilted back against the bench, so he could look up at the stars in the unusually clear sky. His hand rested on his stomach, which was still full of lobster, crab, and shrimp. And margaritas. “Man, the stars are so incredible tonight. It makes me dizzy, just staring at them.” He looked over at Jim. “How much better can you see them, with your senses?”
“I think they look closer than they used to.” He glanced at Blair. “But I also get dizzy faster.”
They both chuckled.
Blair gave himself a moment to acknowledge the wonder of it all. “After what happened to you on the operating table, do you feel that you understand the grand plan of it?”
Jim’s head was also resting back against the bench. “No. You?”
“No. Like I told you before, it was just the light and our spirit animals merging. Like a dream. I didn’t have any sense of a larger picture.”
“I didn’t either. I only know that I’m here for a reason.” Jim sighed. “It’s just hard to know what that reason is right now.”
Blair decided it was time to get practical. “What about being a private detective? You would be using your senses, helping people, your police background wouldn’t be wasted. You wouldn’t have to deal with reports and red tape.”
“It doesn’t feel right, Chief. Besides, it still might be more physical than I’m up to. There would still be lots of running down leads. And it could be dangerous every now and then.” Jim nudged him. “What about you? Besides the sentinel thing, what was your big dream?”
“Mmm,” Blair mused, “there was always hitting the winning home run in the World Series. That was a biggie.”
“I hear you.”
“Don’t think it’s going to ever become reality though. I think I need to let that one go.”
“Think I’ll still keep mine,” Jim said in the same quiet tone, gaze on the stars. “It’s the Super Bowl, you know, five seconds left. The other teams’ quarterback does a quarterback sneak. I’m a defensive lineman and I tackle him right before the end zone. He fumbles, I grab the ball, and I run 99 yards in the other direction to make the winning touchdown.”
“Yeah, I can see it,” Blair said, closing his eyes and imagining middle-aged Jim doing just that, amongst a field of youngsters.
After a long moment, Jim said, “You aren’t falling asleep on me, are you?”
Blair didn’t open his eyes. “Uh-uh. I’m consulting with God on what we should do with our lives.” He didn’t reveal that his “consulting” was merely an array of jumbled thoughts.
“Let me know what the Big Guy has to say.”
Blair’s stomach gurgled in its quest to digest his meal. He cocked an eye at Jim. “Is money a concern?”
“It will be soon. Disability only gives me two-thirds of what I was making. It can keep a roof over our heads, but that’s about it. I’ve been tapping into savings but that’s not going to last much longer.”
Movement caught the corner of Blair’s eye. He sat up abruptly. “Did you see that?”
“What?” Jim was also straightening.
“A falling star.” Blair pointed. “It was right over there.” He grinned hugely. “God answered me.”
Jim gazed at him a long time, then blandly said, “That’s great, Chief. But what exactly is a falling star supposed to mean?”
Blair had no idea. But it was easy to make something up. “It means not to worry. God has it handled. It’ll be okay.”
“Somehow, I don’t find that kind of vagueness very comforting.” Jim picked up Blair’s hand and squeezed it. The warmth felt good in the increasingly cooler night air. “It’s going to be okay, Chief. With or without God’s help. We just need to figure something out.”
Since Jim’s hand was clasping his, Blair brought their combined fist up to his chest. He kissed it, telling himself it was the booze. “I’m glad you didn’t die. If you had, we wouldn’t be sitting here right now.”
With feigned seriousness, Jim said, “I’m not sure sitting here is a good thing.”
“Yes it is,” Blair said earnestly, relieved to indeed have inebriation as an excuse for his blurry eyes. “This is one of the most perfect moments I’ve ever had in my life.” It was, too.
Jim scooted a little closer, reaching with his free hand to clasp Blair’s shoulder. “I think you’ve had a bit too much to drink, Chief.”
“I think I have too.” Blair sniffed. “But I mean it anyway.”
Jim moved even closer, pulling his hand from Blair’s grip and circling his arm around his shoulders. He rested his forehead against Blair’s. “I love you, you know.”
“I know.” The contact felt good. “I love you, too.”
“It’s all going to be okay. We’ll figure something out.”
“I know. I just wish I would have wished something upon the falling star.”
“You didn’t, huh?”
“No. Well, only that we can keep staying together.” He wondered if he sounded too dependent.
Jim hugged him, laughing softly. “That’s a wish that I know will come true.”
Jim had fallen asleep easily, but he found himself wide-awake in the middle of the night.
He had facts to deal with. He wasn’t going to be able to return to his former career. Blair was now a doctor.
They needed an income, preferably something that allowed him to use his senses for the good of the public. Preferably something that didn’t waste Blair’s education.
The problem was presented. Reality was faced. Now he needed to find a solution that would allow them to live and work together.
Determination didn’t bring answers during Jim’s sleep. His mind continued to turn possibilities over – none of which seemed viable – as he filled the coffeemaker the following morning.
Blair emerged from his room, still looking half asleep, but moving reasonably well.
“You don’t look too bad,” Jim said, “considering you were wasted last night.”
“I wasn’t wasted,” Blair protested half-heartedly, leaning on the kitchen island. “I remember everything that was said.” He pushed his hair back. “I was just sort of buzzed.”
Jim handed him a cup of coffee.
“Thanks.” Blair sipped loudly. As Jim stirred his own coffee, Blair announced, “I’ve got an idea.”
“That occurred to you while you were hung over?” Jim gently teased.
“Think about it.” Blair put his cup on the counter and gave Jim his full attention. He now looked much more alert. “We’ve both been brought back from the dead, in a manner of speaking.”
Jim waited to hear the rest. As the weeks, then months, past since he was in the hospital, he wavered between being marveled by his experience, to being skeptical that it had ever happened at all.
Blair said, “So, you gotta figure, that God or the cosmic forces of the universe or whatever has a plan for us.”
Jim shrugged. The whole concept was easier to deal with if logic applied.
“We just need to find out what the plan is. I mean, you asked Incacha for help in bringing me back. When you were on the operating table, you could have crossed the river and decided to never come back.”
“That’s right,” Jim said, remembering vividly for the first time since he’d told Blair about it, “I could have crossed it. Nobody was holding me back from doing so. It was my choice.” He felt a softening in his chest. “Because of you.”
Blair gave him a warm smile. Then he quietly said, “And it was your choice to listen to Incacha when I drowned. You didn’t have to, especially since you didn’t know if I’d come back brain damaged or whatever.” He shifted, straightening. “But I’m thinking that there’s a reason why you made those choices. Maybe you didn’t consciously know the reason – other than the desire for us to live each time – but maybe, on a soul level, you knew something that your conscious mind didn’t know. We need to tap into that knowledge.”
“How?”
“I’d like to guide you through a meditation where you’re back at the river and you know you can cross it and get to the other side – literally. Maybe your spiritual self had some awareness of why you were needed back here on planet Earth.” He sipped his coffee. “Worth a shot, don’t you think?”
Jim shrugged. He supposed it was, though his recollection was that he came back simply because he didn’t want to disappoint Blair.
Still, he’d always been amazed at how Blair could guide him through the layers of his subconscious. “Okay.”
Blair sat cross-legged on the floor in front of Jim, the coffee table shoved aside. “Okay, you’re at the river,” he said. “What do you see?”
With eyes closed, Jim’s relaxed voice said. “The rushing water. There’s a wooden bridge. All I have to do is cross it and I’ll never have to worry about anything again.”
Blair watched Jim intently. “Do you want to cross?”
“I’m curious as to what it would be like on the other side. But I can see you and the others in the hospital waiting room. You say, ‘Jim would never give up.’ I wish you could understand that the things we think are so important in life, so often really aren’t. That ‘giving up’ is a judgment that has nothing to do with existence. It wouldn’t make me a lesser person.”
Carefully, Blair said, “I will find that out, won’t I, when it’s my time to cross?”
“Yes. But I know, to you, the time between now and when it’s your time to cross will seem like a very long time. I don’t want you to be angry at me – disappointed in me – for all that time because you thought I’d ‘given up’.”
Blair thought of a question to get them away from the memory that Jim had already revealed to him in the hospital. “Look around you. What else do you see?”
“The landscape is flat. A few trees. I know it’s all an illusion. That I can make it into anything I want. But I want to go back. Blair is there, waiting for me to pull through, and I want to go back.”
This wasn’t working like he’d wanted. Desperate, Blair said, “God will take care of Blair. You know that. Grief is something that we all experience in corporeal life and Blair can’t be protected from his own experience.” He suddenly had another thought. “Face the far side of the river and ask why you need to go back.”
Jim seemed confused. “There’s no one to ask.”
“Ask Incacha to appear at the other side of the river.”
Jim’s expression looked contemplative for a few moments. Then he said, “He’s there.”
“Ask him why you need to go back.”
Jim’s mouth moved silently, then he said, “He says that we still have more to do. The illusion of your need for me to return has been created to give me a conscious reason to return.”
Blair tried not to roll his eyes at the stubbornness of spirits. “Ask him what we need to do. Tell him that we need him to guide us to our next step, since you can’t be a cop anymore.”
“He says to ‘watch for the train’. He’s disappearing.” Jim opened his eyes.
“Watch for the train? What the hell does that mean?”
“I don’t know.” Jim leaned toward Blair and gently said, “He can’t say too much. If all we had to do was ask spirits for help, there wouldn’t be much point in living life.”
Blair pushed his hair back. “Yeah, yeah, I know.” He glanced at Jim bashfully. “So, I guess you really didn’t come back for me.” He wasn’t sure how he felt about that.
“In my conscious mind – in my heart – I did. What I was thinking at the time hasn’t changed.”
True enough, Blair supposed.
Jim’s mouth corner twitched. “Besides, I guess that means that I brought you back for reasons other than simply not wanting to lose you.”
Blair found a smile. “Touche.”
He loved, so much, the relationship he and Jim now had. It was as though they were bonded more closely than ever before.
Jim rose. “I guess we’ll have to find out what waiting for the train means.” He rubbed his face and moved to the kitchen.
Blair followed. “Does it mean we need to get on a train and go somewhere? Or that we need to stop a train from hurting somebody? Or that we need to get on a train where something is going to happen?”
Jim retrieved a bottled water from the refrigerator. “You need to let this one go, Chief. We aren’t going to know until it’s time to know.”
Blair deflated. He knew it was true, but that sucked. “Then what do we do in the meantime?”
Jim grabbed a can of mixed nuts from the cupboard. “I don’t know about you, but I’m going to watch the game.”
Simon wiped the remains of pizza from his mouth. He’d brought one over after his shift. “I have to admit, Jim, I thought you would be a lot more upset about this. In fact, I can’t help but think you’re putting on the brave front.”
Jim felt bad that Simon didn’t know what he’d experienced on the operating table, and yet he didn’t think it would be helping matters to tell him. “I am disappointed that I couldn’t make the cut. But they made the right decision. I’m not ready for the streets, no matter how hard I’ve tried to get into perfect shape. My body isn’t the same.”
Simon looked at Blair and Blair nodded. “He’s telling the truth. I expected the rejection to hit Jim harder, too. But he’s always been one to face facts.” He glanced at Jim with admiration.
“There are some options,” Simon said, sipping his beer. “But they all involve desk jobs. I know that wouldn’t sit well with you, Jim.”
Jim shook his head.
“Have you given any thought to what you’re going to do instead?”
Jim got up to retrieve another beer. “Been thinking of little else. Haven’t decided on anything yet.” He nodded toward Blair. “By the way, Sandburg’s a Ph.D. now.”
Simon looked at Blair. “When did that happen?”
“The same week Jim went in for his final evaluation. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.”
“So, what are you going to do?”
“Stay here with Jim and figure out what we can do together.”
Jim gathered up the empty pizza box. He took the flyers glued to the top and tossed them to Simon. “Here’s some coupons.”
“Great,” Simon said, idly leafing through them. “I can use these.” He suddenly paused and tossed one of the flyers on the table. “Oops, not this.”
Jim and Blair leaned forward on the table to look at the reject. It was a “vacation special” for Amtrak two months hence.
“Train,” Blair said, looking up at Jim.
Jim nodded. “Train.”
In the darkness of Kate Wilson’s bedroom, Blair sat in his underwear at the edge of the mattress and pulled on his socks.
She had taught his classes while he was on leave during Jim’s recovery. Whenever she wanted to discuss a problem with the class, he went over to her apartment and they ended up in bed. Whenever he needed release, he called her and she was usually able to accommodate.
They both were more interested in other things, so they didn’t place demands on each other outside of her bedroom. He’d never even stayed the night.
She leaned back against her pillow with her hands behind her blonde head. “I can turn on the light.”
“No, that’s okay.” He reached for his jeans and stood as he slid them over his hips.
The sated feeling in his loins was familiar. His post-coital contemplative mood was not. He kept thinking he should be conversing more. He was grateful that she hadn’t commented on his lack of bubbly chatter.
“Is there someone else?” she asked neutrally.
Okay, she apparently was commenting on it. “No.” He snorted as though it was a silly thought.
“So,” she said, rolling on her side, head propped in her hand, “you and your friend are leaving for vacation soon?”
Blair slipped his t-shirt over his head. “In a couple of weeks. It’s just a few days. We thought we’d take the Amtrak route around the state.”
“This is your friend Jim, right?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Seems like you guys have been on vacation for a whole semester, in a sense. But I guess you’d like to get away from the same old, same old for a while.”
“Something like that.” Blair buttoned his flannel shirt.
“Don’t you guys ever get tired of each other?”
“Sometimes.” Blair was eager to turn the conversation away from himself and Jim. “What about you?” he asked, sitting down to pull on his Nikes. “Are you going anywhere for break?”
“I’ll be visiting my folks in Minnesota.”
“Oh, right, they have that lake.” He was proud of himself for remembering that.
“Yep. Though, instead of fishing, I think I’ll be spending most of my time trying to launch a website to offer professional writing services for small businesses.”
As Blair fought with his shoes, he recalled that she had a second major in English. “Sounds adventuresome.”
She laughed softly. “That’s probably a polite word for it. I’ve got this whole plan worked out – where I’m going to advertise, how I’m going to handle the clients.”
“You’re talking what? Writing letters on their behalf, so the letters are formally proper?”
“Yes, things like that. The average person has atrocious English skills in this day and age. I’ll also offer to edit brochures and pamphlets for clarity. The great thing about it is that the only capital I need is what’s required to build the website. If I advertise it right, I should be able to make a decent part-time income without ever leaving my computer.”
Blair nodded thoughtfully as he let his feet drop to the floor. “I guess this kind of thing is the wave of the future.”
“For sure.”
“If you’re one of the first to get on the virtual bandwagon, I suppose you’re way ahead of the game.”
“That’s what I’m hoping.”
Blair smiled at her and then stood next to the bed. “I hope that all works out.” He bent and tenderly kissed her. “I had a good time.”
She smiled back. “So did I.”
“Night.”
“Goodnight, Blair.”
He found his way out of her apartment. As he closed the door behind him, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he’d never see her again.
He examined that thought as he slowly drove home. He’d always felt a little funny after coming home from her place. The feeling was more intense this time around.
Home. The loft felt so welcoming when he slipped inside near midnight.
Jim was sitting up, in his robe, reading. That wasn’t unusual. He’d developed odd hours during his convalescence.
“Must be a good book,” Blair said in greeting.
Jim closed it. “It was. Finished it a while ago.” He yawned. Then he said, “You were with Kate?”
Blair nodded. “I’ve been thinking.”
“I didn’t know that was possible when you were at her place.”
Blair waved him off. “She’s given me an idea for an income. She’s going to launch a business over the internet. Offer her skills for writing formal letters and proposals, things like that. She’ll even edit brochures. This internet stuff is the wave of the future.”
“Uh-huh?”
“I’m thinking that maybe I could do something similar. Maybe offer tutoring to students, via email and a website. They could pay a subscription fee. Something like that. We couldn’t make a living from it, but at least it would be a supplemental income. But maybe it could branch out into other things.”
“We?”
He had said ‘we’, hadn’t he? But then, why wouldn’t he? He and Jim were in this for the long haul. He forced a chuckle. “Yes, we. It’s kind of silly to think of our lives as being separate from each other, isn’t it?”
Jim reached to take Blair’s hand. Lightly clasping it in both of his, he said, “You’re nervous, Chief. What’s wrong?”
Blair loved these little moments of intimacy that had developed between them. But it was difficult to appreciate it right now. “Nothing. Just thinking about the possibilities and how we might be able to make it work.”
Jim released his hand. “Chief.”
Blair looked into Jim’s eyes, feeling his heart flutter.
“Don’t lie to me,” Jim said firmly. “We ought to be way past the need for that, by now.”
Blair took a step back. He hadn’t lied.
Or had he?
He looked away.
Jim settled back on the sofa. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
With the feeling of being caught, Blair said, “I’m not sure it’s anything that’s ‘wrong’.”
“Why are you so nervous right now?”
“I’m not sure.” Oops, that was probably a lie. Blair snorted incredulously at the response that came to mind. “Whenever I’m with Kate, I feel like I’m being unfaithful to you.” He shifted restlessly and rushed to add, “I know it sounds crazy.”
Gently, Jim said, “Because you have feelings for her?”
“No. Because I don’t.” Blair felt himself blush. “I mean, not that way.”
Jim gazed at him.
Blair turned away. “I like being with you, Jim. You know that.” He heard the defensiveness in his own voice. “With her, it’s just for the intimacy. No,” he quickly amended, turning back to Jim, “not intimacy. Just the sex.” He swallowed. “I get everything I could possibly want in another person from you, except that. So, I go to her place just for that. I feel unfaithful because I guess part of me feels I shouldn’t need to look elsewhere.” He drew a breath.
Jim rubbed his hand along the sofa seat beside him, his gaze on the point of contact.
Blair was sorry to bring this awkwardness between them. “You asked.”
“Yeah, I did,” Jim said softly, eyes still on his hand. He looked up. “I want one favor from you. A promise. A commitment.”
Blair’s heart thundered at that last word. “All right.”
Jim’s voice hardened. “Don’t ever lie to me again. Ever.”
Blair swallowed, feeling a sense of failure. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to earlier.”
“That’s what bothers me – that you didn’t mean to, but you did.”
“I promise I’ll try my damnedest to never lie to you again.” That was the best he could do.
Jim nodded slowly as he returned to his fascination with the sofa. After a long moment, he asked, “Do you want it all? With just us?”
Blair took a step closer, wondering if Jim was asking what he thought he was. “You mean so that… I’d never… need to turn to Kate? Or anyone else?”
Jim stroked the sofa cushion. “Yes, that’s what I mean.”
Blair’s throat tightened.
“Would you like that?” Jim prompted.
“Would you?” Blair wanted to ask. But Jim obviously wasn’t in the mood for questions being answered with questions. He wanted direct responses.
Blair thought he should be allowed some time to think this through. Yet, why would time make any difference? “Yes.” He heard the rasp of his voice.
Jim’s hand stopped and rested on the cushion.
Blair remained still, watching Jim study the sofa. The only female companionship Jim had had during his convalescence was when Carolyn took him to lunch a couple of times. Surely, they hadn’t found time to sleep together. Blair wasn’t even sure that Jim was able to function that way yet. “Are you a hundred percent?” This was easier when he was asking the quesitons.
A hint of humor colored Jim’s reply. “I’ve been beating off for a few weeks now.” His gaze was expectant.
That was a good thing, yet sad in a way. They both were here; so in love that Blair couldn’t imagine ever defining the moment when their feelings had crossed to that extreme.
He wanted more of that closeness.
He moved the few steps to the sofa, putting his arms around Jim’s neck and shoulders as he sunk down next to him. “Jim, man.” He rested his cheek on the top of Jim’s shoulder. He would have liked to stroke Jim’s chest, but there was still residual soreness there.
Jim’s hand came up and pressed Blair’s head closer. Then it relaxed and stroked his hair.
“I love you,” Blair said. His fingers rubbed along the back of Jim’s neck.
“Since my bed is bigger,” Jim began.
“Yeah, it makes sense to sleep there.” Blair was suddenly aware of the satiation in his loins. “Oh, man,” he said, lifting his head, “I can’t sleep with you tonight. I’ve been with her.” He shifted away. “I need to to shower and – ”
“Blair.” Jim clasped his hand. “It’s all right. I’m glad you were getting what you needed.”
Blair felt he might melt into goo and start babbling in tongues. Still… “I want to sleep with you so bad. But I don’t think it would be right. Plus, I’m not sure I’d be up for another round.” He tried to pull his hand away. “I’m going to take a shower.”
Jim wouldn’t let him move away. “How about a bath instead? I’ll do the bathing.”
Blair sat in the bath water, letting Jim push the washcloth against his skin, pressing so that warm water trickled from it.
It had taken a few moments to adjust to the idea of being cared for and not feel as though he should be doing something. Jim seemed to want this. There was such a peaceful expression on his face as he sat beside the tub and tended to Blair. He’d already washed his hair.
Jim had taken his shirt off, leaving an undershirt, where some of the scarring from surgery could be seen around the hems.
Blair was grateful that Jim had never been a very vain person, other than wanting to be physically strong. He himself would have had a more difficult time adjusting to visible scarring. And yet….
He cast a bashful glance at Jim.
He was loved by Jim. Thoroughly. Any scarring wouldn’t take that away. In this moment, he couldn’t believe that anything could make Jim love him less.
Blair rested his chin on his upraised knees, for Jim was washing his back with languishing movements. “You ever done anything with a guy before?”
Jim made a slight motion of shaking his head. “I had a few offers, particularly on undercover jobs in Vice. But I always turned them down. Not that I wasn’t tempted, but I thought it wouldn’t be a good idea to get started down that road.”
“You mean because you were afraid you’d like it?”
“Something like that.” He sat back. “Really, Chief, do you think the average woman can blow you anywhere near as well as the average guy?”
Blair grinned. “No. That’s why I’ve been tempted too, to the point of almost seeking it out. But I never did.” He paused, then, “You don’t worry about what people will think of us, do you?”
Jim shifted and ran his finger along Blair’s nose. “After what I experienced on that operating table, those kinds of concerns seem pretty ridiculous.”
Blair was so glad that Jim felt that way. For himself, he was used to being viewed as something of an oddity. “Do you think, tonight, we could do it? You know, go all the way?”
Jim frowned. “Is there a particular reason we need to rush into it?”
“I want the symbolism. I know it’s going to hurt and all that, but it’s important to me. We can be romantic about it later.” He couldn’t read Jim’s expression. “Will you?”
“I’ll give you anything you want,” Jim said softly. Then, “The symbolism you’re after requires you to bottom?”
Blair had to think about that. “Yes. We can do it the other way later. It’s the trusting thing. I need to show you – for me – the trust I have in you, and how badly I want you.”
He wondered if Jim might question if he were lying. He wasn’t lying. He now understood why Jim had so firmly made that point. If they were going to do this, give each other everything the other wanted, they had to know that there weren’t any deceptions.
Blair vowed right then that he would never lie to Jim, even the most innocent, most pristinely white of lies. All that they were to each other was too important to ever jeopardize.
“All right,” Jim said in the same soft tone. Then, “Will you let me clean you?”
Blair leaned forward, got up on his knees, and rested his hands against the tiles.
He was amazed at his own lack of embarrassment as Jim tended to him with the washcloth and soap.
He wondered about his own need for the symbolism, the intimacy. It wasn’t pleasure he sought, though he had no doubt that would come later. He wasn’t even sure if he could get aroused this quickly after whatshername.
The washing was over and now a finger was exploring him. It just barely pressed against his delicate tissues.
Jim said, “You’re going to have to be able to relax if we ‘re going to have any chance at this. Is there anything I can do?”
“Just keep playing with me and let me deal with it in my own way.”
“You’ll be more comfortable in bed.” The digit went away. “How about getting out now?”
In less than an hour, they were going to be joined.
Jim had already tended to Blair with big fluffy towels, once getting him out of the bath. Now, as Blair stood naked at the top of the stairs, Jim was kneeling before him, drying his feet. He wondered if he were delaying out of fear that he would disappoint Blair, or if he were spending an overly long time worshipping a noble virgin eager for sacrifice.
He hadn’t tried to kiss Blair, since Blair wasn’t interested in romance tonight. It was tempting though.
For that matter, Blair was temptation personified. Jim felt eager, his hyper-sensitive fingertips having experienced the velvety walls that would soon welcome him, if first suffer from being forced open tonight.
There wasn’t a single drop of moisture left. Jim sat back on his hunches and looked up at his love.
“Stand up and undress,” Blair said, stepping back.
Jim stood, liking that Blair was so open about what he wanted. He removed his undershirt, then opened his pants. He pushed the trousers and his underwear down his legs in one smooth motion.
He was fully aroused. It had been so long. He wondered what Blair thought.
He tossed the clothing aside.
Blair knelt before him and placed his hands on Jim’s legs, above the knees. He kissed the head of Jim’s desire… once, twice… three times. His hands moved up and massaged Jim’s thighs.
It was too much, and too little. It was all he could do to not grab Blair’s head and force it against him.
Blair looked up at him. “Too much?”
“If you want me to go all the way,” Jim gasped.
Blair rose and put his arms around Jim’s waist, his head landing on Jim’s shoulder.
Jim thought he might melt.
“I love you so much,” Blair said, squeezing him. “I love you for bringing us to this.”
Jim couldn’t remember if he’s the one who deserved credit for ‘this’. What he did know is that he was leaving a trail of fluid against Blair’s belly. And that Blair felt so good, pressed against him.
“Jim,” Blair whispered against his skin, “when you think it’s physically possible to do it, do it. I want my back to you. But otherwise, whatever’s most comfortable for you….”
The trust thing again. Jim didn’t understand Blair’s reasons, but wanted to give Blair whatever he wanted. Abruptly, he tilted Blair’s chin up and kissed him on the mouth.
How good this was, how special….
Damn. He tore his lips away.
Blair patted him, understanding, and turned to the bed. He lay facedown in the center of it, his legs slightly spread. As an afterthought, he spread them wider.
Jim knelt behind him and grabbed the twin globes. He kneaded them, loving how they felt beneath his fingers. Then he pulled and said, “Up.”
Blair got up on his knees, bringing himself closer.
Jim’s senses reached out to the flesh before him….
He let his hand rest on Blair’s rump. “Can I lick you?”
“Uh… yeah. I mean, if your senses are okay with it.”
“My senses are in love with you.” That was the only way he knew how to describe it.
He gripped both cheeks again and pulled them apart. His mouth salivated as he studied his target, and then pressed his face close.
He licked, his tongue flicking against the tight ring of muscle. Stray hairs tickled him. Blair’s smell was over-ridden by the perfumed odor of soap and Jim realized he’d made an error in judgment during the bath.
His tongue pressed against the delicate tissues, trying to get past the soap smell. He was so intent on his task that he was almost able to forget the throbbing ache below.
“Goddamnit,” Blair whispered. But it clearly wasn’t a complaint.
A moment later, he relaxed all over, and Jim’s tongue worked faster and poked a little past the barrier.
Jim pressed his face closer and pushed in.
Blair quivered. He gasped, groaned….
Jim went back to licking around the rim. His tongue apologized to the tender flesh that was going to be torn and inflamed when he did what Blair demanded. Those tissues would never be the same after this.
Jim kissed the area… again and again.
“Oh, God,” Blair gasped, “I’m so hard. That tongue is going to kill me.”
Jim stuck his nose in Blair’s ass and inhaled. The soap smell wasn’t quite so strong now.
There was an extra throb between his legs.
He moved down and pressed his face against the heavy scrotal pouch.
“Oh, man.” Blair’s voice shook.
The throb was relentless and painful. Jim straightened and reached to the nightstand. He found a tube of K-Y and a condom packet.
Blair turned just enough to look back at him. “Do we really need that? I’ve always had protection with my partners.”
Jim paused. He realized what Blair was saying. They may as well marry their germs. He already had plenty on his tongue right now.
He tossed the packet back to the nightstand.
He applied a liberal amount of lubricant to Blair’s opening, so that the extra ran down his crack. It’s the only way he would be would be able to get past that tight entrance.
Using one hand, he teased Blair with a finger. With the other, he applied the ointment to his flaring head.
He pushed in his middle finger to the first knuckle.
“Ah!” Blair gasped.
Jim could feel the flaring protest of the muscle. He pulled the digit out a little, and pushed it back in. Out... and in. Out… and in. The lubricant made a wet noise as flesh entered flesh.
The next time, he pushed the finger in all the way.
The muscle protested.
Keeping the finger inside, Jim squeezed Blair’s butt cheek, though it was difficult with greasy ointment on his hand. “Easy.” He could feel the effort Blair made to relax. “Good boy,” he whispered.
He needed to be in there. His heat wasn’t going to wait any longer.
He removed his finger, wiped his hand on the bedspread, and then placed it on Blair’s back. “Blair? There’s enough lube that when I push, it’s probably going to go in most of the way.”
“’Kay.” It was a bare whisper.
He resisted the urge to ask Blair if he really wanted it, like this.
He rose up on his knees and took his erection in hand. “Don’t try to help, except for relaxing. Let me do it.”
His other hand pulled a buttock aside. He took a moment to stroke the flesh with his thumb.
He placed himself against the opening. He let his lubed head nestle against the lubed muscle.
He focused on how it felt there. It was difficult identifying nerves with all the lube.
He sent a silent apology for the pain he was going to cause. Then he thrust hard.
Blair cried out in a way that showed he had no intention of holding back what he was feeling.
Jim felt the muscle spasming around him. He was starting to slip out, so he thrust again, feeling himself go deeper, and quickly followed it up with another, so he couldn’t slip back.
Blair was gasping now, the air around his head spiced with smell of salt.
Jim only had an inch or two left. “Easy,” he whispered, his hand on Blair’s back. He rubbed slowly until he felt the tense muscles start to relax. “Easy,” he said again.
All of a sudden, Blair went slack with a groan.
Acceptance.
Jim pressed the rest of the way in, producing another gasp, and realized he was panting heavily.
Blair’s buttocks were against his pubes, his thighs were pressed tightly against Blair’s legs, their scrotal pouches touching.
He couldn’t last. “Careful,” he said in warning, and then tipped them both onto their sides. He took the opportunity to snuggle closer to Blair.
Blair took Jim’s arms and wrapped them around him. “Stay awhile.”
“Don’t know if I can,” Jim panted. He let himself slip back, and then thrust again, to soothe the relentless throb.
He considered taking Blair in hand, but saw that he had completely shrunk from the pain.
Blair whispered, “I want you – everything you are – forever and always.”
Jim got up on an elbow and kissed the side of Blair’s face, tasting the residue of tears. “I cherish all that you are, forever and always.”
His rested his cheek against the side of Blair’s face. A moment later, he kissed him again. “I have to finish.”
Blair’s squeezed Jim’s hands, and then eased his hold.
Jim pulled out as much as he dared, and then thrust back in. He gave himself over to the sensations as he moved in…and out. In…and out.
Blair grunted with each thrust. Not from pain, nor from pleasure, Jim suspected, but from the sheer power of their joining.
Jim moved faster, feeling the tingle in his lower back, his male organs. He let himself gasp out loud, wanting to give Blair everything he was feeling.
Suddenly, he was there, and he thrust extra hard, jolting the mattress, and cried out freely as sensation overtook him.
It seemed to last a long time, the release gushing from him in joyous spurts. He relished the tingling throughout his lower region as the pressure eased.
And then he languished in the sense of weightlessness that followed, only aware that his cheek was resting against Blair’s back, and that Blair had again taken charge of his hands.
“Dear God,” Jim finally said.
“Stay awhile,” Blair pleaded.
“I can’t.” He had shrunk, and a muscular contraction expelled him.
Feeling wonderfully uncoordinated, he managed to crawl to the headboard and rest back against it. Blair was shifting too, and Jim beckoned him into his arms.
They rested for a while, curled against each other.
After a time, Blair said, “I suppose I’m an idiot for thinking that our lives together are going to be perfect and wonderful from here on out.”
“Probably,” Jim replied, a smile in his voice. He wetly kissed Blair’s forehead.
A moment later, Blair said, “So your senses are in love with me? Lucky me.”
“Lucky me,” Jim corrected, and then straightened. “It makes sense, doesn’t it? That my physical senses would follow my heart?”
Blair looked up at him, his expression soft and loving. “Yeah, I guess.” Then a small grin. “That tongue of yours ought to have a patent.”
Jim said seriously, “When I’m aroused, it’s like my senses are reaching for you, wanting to experience every inch of you. I shouldn’t have used so much soap. The scent interfered.”
He could see Blair considering that. Then Blair said, “I’ve got lots of things I want to try on you. Even years ago, I was wondering how certain things would feel to you, with your senses. I wondered if women ever tried them on you. If you would let them.”
Jim pushed away the instinct that his private life was being interfered with. He and Blair had vowed to give each other all of themselves. He finally admitted, “One tends not to get very experimental with one night stands. And with people you see more regularly, there’s always a feeling that you have the time later to get more extreme.”
“You know what I want to do?”
“What?” Jim asked. Blair’s weight felt so good as it rested against him.
“I want to shack up together for a whole week and learn all about each other. Then, from here on out, we always know exactly how to meet each other’s needs in any given moment.
Jim held him closer. “Sounds good to me.” A whole week, in bed with Blair….
They were silent a moment, then Jim asked, “How you feeling?”
Gentle snort. “Like my ass has been stretched from here to the Atlantic Ocean.” Pause. “That was intense.” He placed his hand on Jim’s chest with a light motion, over a scar. “What about you? Did it hurt it all?”
Yes, now that he thought about it. “There was a little twinge when I was breathing hard.” He smiled warmly. “I feel fantastic right now. Better than I can remember, since it happened.”
“Mmm,” Blair said. “Sex has a way of doing that.”
“You think you’re all right?” Jim asked tenderly. “Would you like me to take a look and make sure?”
“Jim, man, you can do anything you want to me. Always. But if you want to know the truth, I think I’d like to lie like this for the rest of the night. Not sleep, because I know I won’t, but just be together.”
Jim rubbed up and down Blair’s arm. “Sounds good.”
Blair looked up at him with tender eyes. “I feel so loved right now. It’s incredible. Different, you know, from self-love, no matter how strong that self-love is, no matter how certain you are that you have a purpose and that the universe wants you here.”
“Hm-mm,” Jim agreed with a soft murmur.
Blair put his arms around Jim’s neck. “Thank you for loving me enough to give me what I wanted.” There was a catch in his voice.
Jim kissed his hair. “That’s my first, most important task.” He felt the truth of it and wondered if being a sentinel had something to do with his intense desire to give Blair anything he asked… or demanded.
After a time, they pulled up the covers and then dozed in each other’s arms.
They decided to have a honeymoon of sorts and shack up for four nights at a decent hotel in a small town near the Columbia River.
Blair marveled at the fact that, for all their intimacy over the years, which had become more intense in recent months, they still had entirely new physical vistas to discover about each other.
He loved how they had no bashfulness left, and could explore every nook, cranny, and protrusion of the body to see what feelings could be created from the stimulation of it.
They spoke little of what they did. They tended to start touching and exploring, the physical responses giving all the information needed about what was desired.
When they were preparing to leave the hotel, Blair felt a solid security in this new aspect their relationship, and he was sure Jim felt just as strongly.
Now they were ready to face the world and see what the universe had in mind for them.
END PART TWO
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