FAITH SHINES EQUAL
© November 2002 by Charlotte Frost

EPILOGUE

Jim looked up from where his arm held down the wind-whipped papers from his father's castle.  He was lying on his side on a blanket, and he squinted at the sunlight as he watched Blair approach from the nearest mound of sand.  Blair walked barefoot and wore a loose-fitting, simple robe.

Jim experienced a flashback.  He was in a great daffodil meadow in Sanctuary, and a young man was walking down the opposite hill.  He would later discover that the young man was dying of the fatal Keetan's Disease.  That young man would reveal himself to be quite religious and a University student who practiced a metaphysical technique called visualization.  That young man would also help Jim, through the very act of visualization, to control his "problem" -- which the young man later convinced him was a gift.

His whole life had been a gift since meeting Blair Sandburg.

Jim pulled out his canteen and unscrewed the lid.  Blair wouldn't have eaten or drank since going off to meditate on the beach some thirty hours prior.

Blair knelt next to Jim with a warm smile.  "Hi."

"Hi, yourself."  Jim handed him the canteen.

Blair spent a long time slowly drinking.  He accepted the fruit Jim gave him and slowly ate that.  Then he sat with his arms around his knees, looking out at the ocean. "Bree forgives me."

"That doesn't surprise me," Jim said, suspecting that forgiveness from Bree hadn't been what Blair was really after.  "Do you forgive yourself?"

Blair grimaced.  "I'm still working on that."  But his smile returned a moment later.

"It'll come with time," Jim assured.

Blair glanced around at the papers Jim was holding down.  "Has any of this helped you?"

Jim nodded, feeling his throat tighten.  "I've been reading it the whole time you've been gone.  I think I need to take a break and step back and let it churn around in the back of my mind."  Blair kept studying him but didn't say anything.  So, Jim finally admitted, "I think my mother was a good mother.  The whole story isn't here, but...." He couldn't finish.  He had so little to validate his new belief about his past.

Blair laid a hand on Jim's upper arm and squeezed.  "Somebody was good to you, Jim.  If it wasn't your father, then it was somebody else, because you're too fine a man to have been raised in a hateful household.  Even if your mom left when you were young, she must have taught you a lot of good things that stuck with you." More softly, "She didn't abandon you, Jim.  It just feels like she did."

Jim started gathering up the papers and stuffing them back into his saddlebag.  As he worked alone, he was aware of how much he didn't want to talk about this right now.  And how badly he wanted Blair to comfort him, to tell him again that he wasn't unloved by both of the people who had brought him into the world.

Finished, Jim closed the saddlebag, and then plopped down beside Blair with an air of forced casualness.  Searching for something to say, he grumbled, "You need to fatten up, Chief."  The fasting for the meditation aside, Blair hadn't had much appetite lately.

"I know."  Blair laughed softly.  "I will."

They were silent a moment.

Blair said, "Jim?  I never thought it could be possible for me to say this, but it's true:  I love you more right now than I've ever loved you before."

Jim didn't know why, but he had no interest in questioning it.  He laid his head on top of Blair's shoulder.

Blair's head turned toward him, and then his lips were planting an awkward kiss on Jim's.  When they parted, Blair's arm went around him.  "You've been with me through everything.  All the heavy stuff.  You've always been right there."

Jim let his cheek rest more heavily against Blair.  "All the goodness I've ever known in life begins and ends with you."

"You have your own value, Jim," Blair said simply.

"Great.  I have my own value.  It means nothing to me if you aren't here to see that value."

"You're a stubborn shit."

Jim raised his head and chuckled.  His nostrils flared, picking up a scent he hadn't experienced in quite some time.  He was amazed that it took him a moment to place it.  "You've got a hard-on, Chief."

Blair leaned back on his hands, a small tent visible along his loosely fitting robe.  "Uh-huh.  But this blanket is too small, and I doubt that sand and hard-ons make for a very good combination."

That was true enough.

A flock of seagulls landed near them.

Blair said, "Bree's trying to tell us that we need to move to a place more comfortable."

"Wouldn't want to disappoint Bree," Jim said, getting up.  He grabbed most of their belongings, thinking of the pond surrounded by trees that he'd spotted in the distance shortly before they arrived at the beach.

Blair picked up what Jim had missed.

As they began walking, Jim asked, "Where do you want to go from here?"

Blair shrugged.  "We can talk about that after we get reacquainted."

Good.  Jim really didn't want to talk about it right this very moment, anyway.

Blair started to move toward the right, where their horses were grazing on a patch of grass.  It was the only vegetation within a half mile, so they'd let them loose without fear of them running off.

"We don't need the horses," Jim said, moving toward the left.  Riding would be almost unbearable with the hard-on he had.  Plus, the walk felt good after lying on the beach for so long.

Blair jogged a couple of steps to catch up.  "Jim?  You remember at the army base?  Our first time?"

Jim's voice softened.  "Of course."  What a night of utter lust that had been.  Utter love and discovery.  And their pledges to each other.

Blair said, "I think history is about to repeat itself."

Jim walked faster.

 

END